Apparently, The Donald has a problem with Canadians. Not sure why he has this atavistic hatred for our friends in the North. I mean, annexing the whole thing and making it one, giant snow park would be cool, but I’m not one to invade other countries.
In my little part of the world, calling someone a Canadian is not an insult. Never have I been irritated with someone and said, “Man, you are soooooo…Canadian,” nor have I told my children, “Don’t play with them; they’re Canadians.” Thems just not fightin’ words. In fact, I love Canadians. I love Canada. It worries me and makes me a little sad, really, that The Donald has a problem with Ted Cruz due to his Canadianism (which he forsook to become solely American, an act which I will never understand).
I am here today to extoll the virtues of all things Canadian. Maybe Mr. Trump will read this little dittie and change his tune. I doubt it, though; he’s a little busy combing his barely-noticeable-toupee and being angry and…weird. He’s weird. Weirdweirdweird.
Here is The Dropout’s top ten list of why Canada is Cool, and why Trump should take a chill pill:
10. Canadians have Maple Syrup.
I could stop right here and be done with my list.
9. Canadians are NICE.
Whenever I visit up to the Great White North, I am treated with kindness. Even in Montreal, where the Francophones love the French language, all I have to say is, Bon Jour and then start speaking English. No harm, no foul. With those two words, it is understood that I tried to do the French thing, and everyone is pleased with my southern drawl efforts. I never met a person there who was not helpful or who refused to switch over to English or whatever language the person was speaking to them (for me, it’s English…it’s all I got).
8. Canadians Speak, Like, Seven Thousand Languages
So my Canadian friend Tom (also very nice, although I don’t think he grows his own syrup) speaks Italian, French, English, Hebrew, and Spanish. I mean, come on! Canada is as big and as landlocked as the US, and we Amerkuns speak English. Many of us haven’t quite mastered that language. I was visiting a place in Montreal, when a lady said to her husband, “Oh, look, baby! Even the little ones speak French!” The boy switched to English and apologized for insulting her. See? Even the little ones are nice! Tom’s kids, who are eight and six, speak three languages. My kids, who are the same age, speak broken English.
7. Canadians have Poutine
Check it: French Fries covered in gravy, and sprinkled with cheese curds. It’s like bacon and cheese fries but oooooooooh, soooooooo, much bettttttttter! I have dreams about Poutine, and when I wake up and step on the scale, I’ve gained 12 pounds.
6. Canadians are Rule Followers.
I was visiting there Before Children (BC), and while driving some folks to a ski resort, I think I may have been a touch over the speed limit (the metric system never stuck with me; I don’t think I ever really learned it, to be honest). All three passengers reminded me to slow down! I was going over the speed limit by like five KpH, but I was told to slow down! What if I hit someone? We were on the highway, and no one was to be seen walking along the clean highway (another thing about Canada: it’s really clean-I guess everyone follows the rules and puts trash in the trash can).
5. Canadians Understand Both the Metric System and the English System.
It cracks me up that we Americans are the only ones who use the English System of measurement. Even the English don’t use it anymore. But Canadians, because they are so nice, use both. Even the baking mix boxes have both. See? NICE.
4. Canadians Aren’t Down with The Man
At dinner one night (also BC) while out in California, I struck up a conversation with a Canadian, and she had a theory as to why many Americans are so anti-establishment, but Canadians are so…not. Her theory was that while American settlers forged their own path to land and wealth out west, the Canadians had their Mounties to go first and make sure it was a good place to settle. Right from the start, the police and the settlers were pals.
3. Canadians are Versatile
Let’s go back to the gloriousness of maple syrup, shall we? And slather it on a French pastry…umm, hello! But first, let’s have a plate of Poutine.
2. Canadians Are Just as Capitalistic as We Are
Okay, I am making a gross generalization here, but every Canadian I have met likes money just as much as I, a capitalistic American, do, and believes that hard work will get you where you need to be. My friend Tom likes money even more than I do, and that is saying something.
1. Canadians Don’t Take Everything So Seriously, and Neither Should Donald Trump
Canadians laugh at the folly of humanity just like everyone else, but they don’t get all worked up about stuff. They don’t even get worked up when someone makes fun of them for being Canadian. I’m sure that every Canadian out there in the free world is laughing at Donald Trump’s issues with The Great White North, eh?
So let’s show our Northern Friends a little love, and tell The Donald that there are bigger, less Canadian fish to fry.